Hi Everyone. This is Jay, the husband of your normal blogger. I'm going to interrupt Kelsey's sweet, poignant blogs for a quick tale about Joel. But first, some history:
On the summer in which I experienced the scariest night of my life, my cousin Neal was tasked with babysitting my brother Dallas and me during a family trip to Chicago. We ate pizza and rented a movie: Michael Jackson's Thriller music video. Oh. My. Was that a werewolf I just saw? In a lettermen's jacket? I've watched countless movies since my first experience with Michael Jackson's classic, but nothing has scared me as much as Thriller scared me. I was terrified. Dallas was terrified. Right after the video ended it was our bedtime. We begged Neal not to turn off the lights. After all, werewolves are obviously scared of the dark. No one ever sees a werewolf, or any monster for that matter, in the light.
Fast forward to today. We went to my in-laws' house for supper tonight. At some point someone pulled out an iPod. On said iPod was the Michael Jackson Thriller video. Joel sat on Kelsey's lap and watched it. Kelsey, who lived in an MTV-free bubble growing up, had somehow managed to experience nearly 30 years of life without partaking in the introductory werewolf scene. Suddenly, Michael Jackson's letter jacket starts to rip, and his fingernails grow into yellow claws, and his eyes turn yellow, and his whiskers grow out, and his teeth, oh god his terrifying teeth, grow sharp and then sharper and then sharper yet until Michael Jackson officially becomes the most lifelike and terrifying werewolf ever put on screen. Joel's eyes grew wide. The terror my brother and I experienced as a child (minus the possibly deranged lunatic cousin portion) now lived in Joel.
The rest of the night at my in-laws' house passed by just fine. When we got home, that's when we knew we were in for a long night. Joel sat at the table and ate his before bed meal (because he REFUSES to eat a full meal at a normal mealtime--stories for another day). He started to talk to us in his cute English/Russian hybrid language about monsters. The conversation then turned to the scariest monster of all: Unca Jackson. That's when Kelsey and I officially won our Parent of the Year awards for the wonderful lies we told our child:
Joel: Where is Unca Jackson now?
Kelsey: He is dead.
Joel: Okay. But in the cartoon, Unca Jackson comes out of the ground.
Kelsey: Good point. He is in the ground in California though.
Joel: The circle map. Show me California.
At this point I went and got a globe out of Joel's room. Before I sat down, Kelsey told me to tell him Australia was California.
Jay: See Joel (pointing to Australia) this is California. This is where ALL the monsters live. See all this blue around Australia? That's water. It's a well known fact monsters can't swim. Nor can they drive in boats or airplanes.
Joel: Car?
Jay: Silly Joel, you can't take a car on the water.
Joel laughs. Then, for some reason that probably made sense to him asked: Where's Wolverine?
Jay: He's in California too (pointing at Australia again).
Joel: Wolverine fight monsters?
Jay: Sure.
Joel: What's this (pointing to Canada)?
Jay: That's Canada. That country is filled with people you'll make fun of for the rest of your life.
Joel: Monsters in Canada?
The conversation then continued. I tried to convince him that Unca Jackson was just a pretend werewolf and he was wearing a mask. But the video was so convincing, that Joel mimicked the entire transformation for me. He explained that no mask was put on. Unca's face just turned scary. No gloves were put on. Unca's hands just grew big claws. There was nothing I could do to convince him that a zombie werewolf was not going to end him tonight.
We went to bed. I read him Cat in the Hat. I read him some book about a dirty dog. And I read him a light-hearted tale about barnyard animals singing. Then it was time to sleep. I went and sat in the chair in his room, as I do every night, while Joel stared at the ceiling, petrified. He'd occasionally shoot up and say, "Papa leave cogda (when) Joel sleeping and Unca Jackson bed boom RAAR." I showed him the videos of Michael Jackson applying make-up to become the werewolf. It worked for about three minutes until Joel fell asleep and then shot immediately awake because of the monsters in his dreams.
Finally I had to call in Mama. While Papas are good tactical ground support for potential monster raids, only a mother can soothe the beating heart of a scared five year old. That's why it is now 11:30, and I'm writing a blog while Kelsey cradles Joel to sleep.
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