The Things I Learn About Grilling

Two weeks ago, Kelsey blogged about how every spring we have the same "initial" grilling experience. We always get ourselves amped up for some freshly grilled burgers only to learn the gas seeped out of the propane tank (SAFETY!) over the ridiculous winter we choose to live through in Iowa.

Usually the new tank of propane solves the problem. It sort of did this year, at least at first. We grilled the first burgers without a problem. The second burgers worked all right too, though they grilled a whole lot slower. We tried brats next and...nothing. The grill seemed sort of hot, but it wouldn't light. This got me worried. But to understand my worry, we must cue some mystical flashback music and journey back in time.

BACK IN TIME: Last fall, when the winds started to pick up (just kidding the winds in Cedar Falls are always picked up, always), my grill made the executive decision to move away from my half-deck and position itself on the edge of the patio. This always happened while I was at work, but here's how I think the scene played out:

The Grill: "Life is so hard. I just...I just...I just want to jump off this stupid patio and end it all."

The Drain Spout: "Um. Please don't. You'll land on me. You'll crush me real good. Also, I don't think you tipping over will do anything but get you dirty and annoy Jay."

The Grill: "Jay? You think I care about what Jay thinks?"

The Drain Spout: "I don't think you think anything. You're a grill. I just don't want to be crushed. For if I am crushed, I may never spout rain again."

The Grill, ignoring the Drain Spout, tips over, off of the patio, and crushes the Drain Spout forever (for I refuse to replace it).

This scene (or something similar) happened three times last fall. I'd arrive home from work, expecting to find my belongings in perfect working order, only to find the grill tipped over in the backyard on top of the drain sprout. I'll spare you the gory details, but in case you've never had a grill tip over, the insides of the grill: the grates, the grease deflectors, the old, crusty pieces of cheese that never seem to melt away, go everywhere. Also, grills are heavy, and they really aren't very fun to pick up and put back into position.

How did I fix this problem? I tried various bungee ropes. Those didn't work because I don't know how to use bungee ropes. Then it occurred to me: the grill has wheels. Wheels that lock! If I locked the wheels the wind would stop coercing my grill into suicide. Problem solved!

BACK TO THE ALMOST PRESENT: It nagged at me all winter, but I thought for sure the grill would be broken. I've seen better items break after three hard falls (RIP N64 Controller... I really hate the Rainbow Course in Mario Kart 64). I wasn't surprised when the brats would not cook. Being the technical wizard I am, I started to investigate.

It appeared that the spark that is supposed to ignite the gas wasn't sparking, so I bought a new igniter at the hardware store. When I opened the igniter (which I wasn't at all excited about paying for or replacing), I noticed it came with a battery. Interesting. I didn't recall my igniter having a battery when I initially assembled the grill. Of course the day I initially assembled the grill has many dark spots in my memory because of how the engineers thought everyone who would assemble this grill had eighteen joints in their arms, no bones, and x-ray vision.

So this past Saturday, I thought to myself, "Before swapping out this here part, I should just check to see if this Double A battery just needs replaced." Problem solved!

Here are three valuable lessons you should learn about propane grills:

1) They need propane in the propane tank in order to light.

2) The wheels lock. If the wheels are locked the wind won't continue to blow the grill onto the ground, and you will have fully functional drain spouts in your backyard.

3) Electric igniters have batteries. I don't know how often you need to change the battery, but I'd recommend whenever your igniter appears to not be igniting.