A Tribute to Mom

Today was supposed to be Part 3 of my very epic tale on budgeting. That said, because I left you all hanging right as I was getting to the good stuff last week, I'd intended to actually write Part 3 of the blog yesterday. That way I wouldn't run out of steam prior to my deadline. That did not happen. Instead, after returning from a brief trip to the Quad Cities, I decided to mow my yard. As you all know, one can't mow the lawn and write a blog in the same night. That's impossible. So rather than rush through Mundane Monday, I'll write it later this week.

Instead, I thought in honor of Mother's Day, I'd write a Top Ten List dedicated to Vick Schmitz, a rather cool mom. Without further adieu, here are ten of my favorite things about my mom:

10) Irrational fear of the police: If you looked back on our childhood, you'd think my mother was a wanted felon. Every time we drove by a cop, she'd suspiciously look in the rear-view. One Christmas there was a story about a mother of three kidnapping her children and driving them across the country in a mini-van. That same Christmas, my mother of three happened to be driving a mini-van. She spent the entire drive to Grandma's convincing us that each cop was staring at us. I think this fear of hers might be why I have never trusted authority.

9) She makes a snack bar that consists of pretzels, peanut butter, butter, M+Ms, and peanuts (or something similar). They are so good, but they are terrible for you. When anyone would want to stop eating them, she would tell them, "Keep eating them. They're good for you. They have pretzels in them." That's a solid argument if I ever heard one. To this day, she refuses to acknowledge these bars are probably 400 calories each. Instead, she's named them, "Health Bars."

8) This is her favorite joke: If Jose had a brother, what would his name be? Answer: Hose B. Once, when she'd had too much wine, Mom and I had the following exchange:

Mom: Tell that joke.
Me: What joke?
Mom: The funny Jose joke.
Me: If Jose had a brother, what would his name be?
Mom: Hose B! (laughs hysterically)
Me: But Mom, what would the name of their triplet brother be?
Mom: (confused) I don't know?
Me: Hose C.
Mom: (cries from laughing)

It might literally be the worst joke of all time, but she loves it.

7) She lives Hakuna Matata: Shortly after the Lion King came out in theaters, our family bought the soundtrack. Once, while driving down University Avenue blaring Hakuna Matata as loud as possible, Mom ran two red lights and went about twenty miles over the speed limit (note: my memory might be exaggerating this). Either way, the song Hakuna Matata means a problem free philosophy to most, but it means near death to my siblings and me.

6) She does not like Matthew McConaughey: We don't know why. She just doesn't. She claims to have a reason, but really, who can passionately dislike Matthew McConaughey? I can see not really caring about him, but adamant hatred?

5) I'm pretty sure she has secret magic powers: As a child, back in the days before DVRs and fancy digital recording devices, we had one VCR. On that one VCR, we needed to tape two shows that were on at the same time. One of them was a very special episode of Saved by the Bell (the last episode where the gang worked at the summer resort) and one of them was something else (my memory is good but not perfect). I to this day have no idea how she pulled this off, but she managed to tape both shows on the same tape. It was amazing. So was Saved by the Bell.

4) The most loyal person in the world: Seriously, don't do anything to any of her children. She won't like you ever again. Even after the children have forgiven you, she will remember. She even has our back when we screw up. Good Mom, that one.

This picture was taken the same day as the one at the end of this blog. It's impossible to find pictures of mom though because of her insistence on photographing every detail of every event. Due to that, she's hardly in any pictures. You'll notice, if you read the top ten list carefully, her penchant for taking photos is not one of my favorite things about her.

3) She's convinced Justin, my friend from high school, stole spoons from our house. How? Quote: "He always left with our spoons as he ate our ice cream." There are a couple things wrong here: Justin never, ever to my knowledge ate ice cream at our house. If he did, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't steal a spoon. Second, I don't think he took one spoon let alone enough spoons to necessitate Mom formulating the thought Justin stole all of our spoons. I'll admit, the spoon shortage at Casa de Schmitz was a little troubling, but I'll do what I'll always do, blame Anne and Dallas.

2) Creative and talented: The woman is a master with fabric. She makes the best greeting cards of any human I know. In fact, I can't shop for a Hallmark card because 1) none of them are at all funny and 2) I think Mom's cards are so much cooler. She also cuts various pieces of fabric and makes large prints. In eighth grade, when her very fat eighth grade son lamented over the fact he had to retire his favorite YAGA shirt, Mom recreated the image with pieces of fabric and framed it for him. It was so cool. Mom is so cool.

Mom recreated this shirt for this idiot. Such a cool shirt.

1) She's just awesome: I know I've joked around throughout most of this list, but the fact is we Schmitz children have a really cool mom. She'll listen if you need to vent. She'll joke around with you if you feel like it. She has ample amounts of beer and candy at her house. But most of all, she's made it abundantly clear she will do anything for any of us. All of us Schmitz kids grew up with a mom we considered a friend, and I think that's a big reason all of us kids have become such good friends with each other. While obviously I was very easy to raise and caused hardly any problems at all, it couldn't have been easy raising me alongside Dallas (ugh) and Anne (yuck). But somehow she did it, and for that, I wish her a Happy Mother's Day.

Two of the best Moms ever, the future best Mom ever, and one lucky guy.