An Ill-Timed Return to the Extreme

Way back in September of 2009 Kelsey and I needed to lose some weight, so we signed up for a ten-week exercise session at Farrell's Extreme Bodyshaping. It's a fairly regimented fitness program that combines a balanced diet with six, short but intense workouts a week. After the ten week program, I got a bit overzealous and signed up for more.

Originally, Kelsey and I went at 4:30pm, but after our initial ten weeks I switched to 5:00am. I actually had consistent attendance at 5:00am from March until about October. Then I made the mistake of sleeping in "on accident" one day. It turns out, I liked sleep. It also turns out, I hated waking up and leaving the house when it's cold at 4:30am. I decided to put my membership on hold.

This week, I returned...and oh boy, I should have waited.

Here's what the program entails when you initially sign up:

Six "extreme" workouts each week. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are cardio/kickboxing days. Each class starts with about five minutes of punching and kicking the air, stretching, push-ups, etc. It's just hard enough that you think, "this will be an effective workout," and just easy enough that you think, "this will be easy." Don't think that. It will be so hard, and you will want to cry afterward. Here's an example of the daily warm-up (watch about ten seconds of the video...you'll get the point):


You agree: that looks easy enough. It's just some people looking weird and kicking the air. But after that nice "demo" comes the hard part. After warm-ups, we put on boxing gloves and pull out big punching bags. The instructors will then have a different routine every day where they will call out various kick/punch combos whilst intermixing push-ups, planks, burpees, mountain climbers, knee jumps, pyramids, and more. If you don't know what some of those things are, congrats.

This really isn't the worst thing ever...

...this is. Burpees. Over and over again. Burpees.

Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday are admittedly easier sessions. They consist of resistance band training designed to improve core strength. I don't know what means, but I've been told it's important. The core is key or something like that. If the core in humans is key, then we are the exact opposites of apples because apple cores just get thrown away.

If Farrell's has taught me anything, it is that we are the opposite of apples.

The class builds on itself. Week 1 is challenging but designed for newbies. As the ten weeks progress the class gets much more challenging. Even the resistance band days get harder as the instructors change up the exercises and add in extra ab work. Ab work must help the mythical core.

As I said above, I restarted Farrell's yesterday after about a five month (much needed) absence. I did start to miss it. It's like a fun sort of torture. That said, I definitely should have waited three more weeks to come back. Why? They are currently on Week 9. Nine. Nueve! They are pretty much kicking ass right now.

I pumped myself up all day Monday, "I can do this. I did this for over a year. This won't be a problem." Then I arrived at class at 3:30pm (my new start time on days I have school) and see Katie. Katie. They call her the Nazi because her whole goal is to kill you. Her classes have not gotten any easier in the last five months. About twenty minutes into the class when she was having us repeatedly jump as high as we could and try to grab our knees in the air then drop and do push-ups, I realized Week 9 was not a good week to start. Today, when I was holding down my 48th squat, I confirmed Week 9 is not a good week to start.

Me.

That said, I'm glad I'm back. I'm glad I'm going in the afternoon again too, because it has a different vibe. The morning instructors were great, but they seemed more predictable. I appreciated this because I don't want a lot of variety thrown at me at 5:00am. The afternoon and evening instructors are more tortuous. Katie isn't the only one who makes it her mission to make us suffer. It's hard, it's challenging, but also: it works. It's also fun.

However, in the forty or so minutes I've written this blog, I think I got rigor mortis. Maybe it's best if I just have Kelsey cover me in a blanket and let my sore body sleep on the couch tonight.