Gluten Free Loopholes

Let me say this: the gluten free diet has been pretty easy for me. I don't eat a lot of breads. There is a weird gluten free fake spaghetti I can eat. I pretty much live on coffee, almonds, and gum throughout any given weekday. Sometimes I throw in a can of kidney beans. On the weekends I eat tacos in corn shells. None of my main foods have gluten. This type of eating is leftover from habits formed during our Farrell's Extreme Bodyshaping days.

The Farrell's diet consisted of six small meals six days a week. The six meals had to be a balance of protein and "good" carbs (fruit, whole grains, etc...no candy). On the seventh day, we could eat whatever we wanted. I usually started those days with two Egg McMuffins, had something dripping with grease for lunch (a Steamboat Garden's Tugboat anyone?), and O.P. pizza for supper. And beer. Lots of beer. I usually had more pizza after the beer.

The biggest difference between the Farrell's diet and the gluten free diet, aside from no longer following an overly strict carb/protein ratio and micro-analyzing every content of every food, is that the "cheat day" really can't happen anymore. Even if I wanted to eat every bad food I dearly love, I couldn't. After a couple weeks off of gluten it starts to give you a stomach ache if you eat it large portions of it. Stupid gluten. That said, I've found there are three delicious products that fight and kill all cravings. With these three products gluten-free approved, I could stay on this diet forever:

The Jimmy Johns Club Lulu Unwich--there is something about lettuce wrapped around bacon that makes me feel all happy inside.

Society, I implore thee: put more stock photos of unwiches on the interweb! This one looks gross.

Chips and salsa. I don't remember when our friends from south of the border made complimentary corn chips and mediocre tasting salsa a ubiquitous staple of our TexMex cuisine, but I'm glad they did. Who doesn't enjoy consuming free appetizers before even putting a fork to their triple stacked sancho?

"I know I've already consumed 10,437 calories, but can I please have one more basket of chips?"

Ice Cream. Especially Frostys, McFlurrys, and Blizzards. As you all know, Blizzards are the best inventions of all time. They are better than cars, tvs, medicine, and babies. When Mr. Queen thought to add candy to ice cream, I'm pretty sure God threw up his arms, looked at Jesus, and said, "Yet people still question our existence! Honestly. A man just added candy to ice cream. Is there any better proof of divinity? Come on!" No. No there is not. Good job God. Good job Mr. Queen. And good job Dave Thomas, Ronald McDonald and the rest of the fast food world for copying this idea and making sure candied ice cream is available everywhere, for everyone.

And the church bells rang as a peace fell over the town.

What's better: The Godfather or the The Godfather Part II. Does it matter?

Obviously calling this a gluten-free diet is only accurate in so much that the definition of 'diet' refers to what a creature is eating. Someone could go on a marshmallow diet, and it wouldn't end well. They'd probably end up seventy feet tall and stomp around New York City all angry only to be taken down by Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, the director of Caddyshack, and a black guy. All of the above foods are enjoyed in moderation (and also of note: not all candies are gluten free so beware of mix-ins), but these foods certainly help give me that bloated, uncomfortable feeling we Americans so desire.