Magic. or how a slacker turned his sedentary hobbies into exercise and lost twenty pounds

When it comes to exercise, I have a problem. I don't mind the exercise, but I mind the time it takes to actually perform the exercise. This is mostly due to my undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder. I'll set my mind on performing a completely arbitrary task--finish all Stephen King books within a calendar year, gain 100% completion in Grand Theft Auto, know every factoid about every Major League Baseball player, etc--and I will need to complete these arbitrary tasks with gusto, interpersonal relationships and real responsibilities be damned!

Whoa Porky, lose the chunk.

The problem with these temporary obsessions is they take a lot of time. Stephen King has written a lot of books. To read them all I really needed to dedicate myself. To dedicate myself I really needed to sit around a lot on the couch and read. I didn't have time to exercise. I had to read.

"But Jay, did you have to do this?"

Yes. Yes I did. You might not understand. If not, good for you. You have willpower and can properly balance life's priorities. I salute you. But for those of us who have this strange nagging sensation that won't let us enjoy ordinary life without completing whatever "entertaining" tasks we've assigned ourselves, working out can be difficult--especially when ten times out of nine those "entertaining" tasks are couch-based in nature.

Baby gets angry when you take his food. Baby smash.

When Kelsey and I moved back to Cedar Falls in March of 2009, I was roughly forty-five to fifty pounds heavier than I am right now. I swore off working out and eating healthy foods while living in the Quad Cities. In May of 2009, when I tried on my shorts that fit the summer before, they were tight. This made me very angry. My favorite t-shirts were also snug. Someone had sneaked into my closet and replaced all my clothing with slightly smaller exact replicas! How dare they?

What else happened in May of 2009? The fifth season finale of the television program LOST aired. When the very excellent fifth season ended, it ended in such a way that made it seem like someone would have to watch all five seasons in their entirety to enjoy the sixth and final season. The, "I have to do everything right away" side of me wanted to burn through DVD sets of LOST immediately. I figured I could have all 100+ episodes rewatched in a couple of weeks.

It's shocking this kid grew up with a weight problem.

I went to bed the night of the finale fully intending to start rewatching LOST the next day. Then the next day I tried on my pants, and they were even smaller than they were the day before. It must have had something to do with the pizza, Dr. Pepper, and Skittles I'd consumed the night before. I realized there was no way around it: I had to make my body fit into my smaller clothes because I didn't want to buy all new clothes (in fear those too might shrink) and because the acts of breathing, walking, and stretching were becoming laborious.

Maybe skip the cake this year, kiddo. Or at least share it with others.

CONUNDRUM! How could I blow through five seasons of television brilliance AND exercise? Oh gentle souls, let me tell you: by actually turning LOST into exercise.

"But Jay, how? How could you do this? HOW?"

Calm down. I'm obviously going to explain how. That's sort of the point of this blog.

"I apologize. I am an American, and my need for immediate gratification overcame my patience."

Understandable. Anywho, if you don't mind, I'd like to proceed.

"Oh please do."

Why are there no friends in any of these cake pictures?

I created a makeshift workout area in my basement--a TV, a DVD player, an exercise bike, and a large supply of Cedar Falls High School Class of 2008 sweatbands (don't ask). I told myself: look dude, feel free to watch every episode of LOST if you feel you need to, but you can only watch the show if you are working out on your exercise bike. I drove a tough bargain, but eventually I accepted my offer.

Throughout the summer of 2009 I worked out for at least forty-five minutes (the length of an average episode without commercials) every day. On days I wanted to watch two episodes, I worked out longer. At some point in September, just in time to start phase two of my workout plan (to be covered another day), I finished all five seasons.

Twizzlers: 5 lbs. Hair: Awesome. Dates: 0.

I now have two minor obsessions I'm trying to get through: I'm trying to read Infinite Jest (a big big big big book that is turning out to be really good) and watch all four seasons of Mad Men (a TV show whose appeal is thus far lost on me). The nice thing is I can do both of these on my exercise bike.

Combining my hobbies with exercise helped ease me back into exercise. Eventually this led to me exercising without the aid of television or books and actually running outside or taking fitness classes. Sometimes the mere act of starting a workout regiment is the hardest part of the workout. I found my way around the fear or starting while also finding a way to make it fun for me. My LOST workout plan helped me lose twenty pounds. It also helped my clothes grow back to their normal sizes again, so I could wear them with pride. Assuming your hobbies aren't already health related, are there any ways to make them healthier?