Wild and Precious Life

Oh, Fruitful Fridays, I'm really not sure where to start with you.  So I guess I'll start with your name. When I think fruitful, I think abundant. And I want Fridays to be about taking time to revel in the blessings around us, doing more for those who have less, and sharing those deep-down feelings about the things that matter most to me.  Because at the end of the week the recipe that flopped or the chore that goes undone doesn't matter.  I want to take the time once a week and ask myself:

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" — Mary Oliver

So yeah, Fridays could get sappy. : ) 

Last week, a couple of friends encouraged me to "tell my story" on my blog, so I think for tonight, I might give it a go.  

This is a story 2 1/2 years in the making, and as you read, you will quickly realize the story involves so many more people than just Jay and me.  And honestly, I hope that by me being overly honest with blog world that maybe some random person will stumble upon my story.  Maybe they'll find something I say that resonates with them.  Okay, that probably won't happen, but a girl can dream, can't she? 

A few weeks after Jay and I returned from our honeymoon, in the hubbub of getting ready for a new school year, I discovered I was pregnant.  It was nothing like I ever dreamed it would be.  I was fighting flu-like symptoms when I realized that it had been a wedding week, a honeymoon week, and three weeks of preparing for school, and wait a minute, something's...well, late.  Really late.  I went to the grocery store and filled my basket with a bunch of items I didn't need, and I shoved a box of pregnancy tests at the bottom of it all.  I casually walked to the self checkout line when a clerk motioned to me that she was open. 

"Oh no, it's okay, I can wait," I said.

"No, it's your turn, really," she replied.

I begrudgingly agreed and she started scanning my items.  When she got to the obviously hidden test she made no comment and gave it a scan.  Nothing.  Scanned again.  Nothing.

"Price check on aisle 7!" she announced while she waved the box in the air to the employee who would do the checking.  

I know what you're thinking, and trust me, you can't make this stuff up.  As I waited, I averted my eyes to the floor in embarrassment, and I came to the shock and horror that I was not wearing my wedding ring. Please, get me out of here.

Once home, after three of the longest-minutes-of-my-life, a little screen read "PREGNANT." I instantly vomited.  (For those of you who know me well, this is no surprise.) Then I started bawling and vomited again.  I called Jay at work, and I told him it was an emergency and to come home immediately.  

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I can't tell you. I'll tell you when you get home.  Just get home now." 

"Did someone die? Is Dottie okay? Are you okay?" (Yes, he asked about Dottie before me!) 

"Yes, we're fine, but I assure you this is an emergency.  COME HOME NOW!"

Twenty-five minutes and one more vomit later, Jay came peeling in the back door.  I sat at the kitchen table, tears streaming down my cheeks, scared to death.  

I told him to sit down as I slid the test across the table to him.  He laughs now and says I served it to him like divorce papers, and he's probably right. It's funny now, it was definitely not funny at the time. 

"You're pregnant!?!?!?" He said excitedly.  

"Yes, I'm pregnant! Why are you excited?? We just got back from our honeymoon, we just got married!  I don't want to be pregnant! I'm not ready yet! You're not ready!  I don't know how to make a meal!  We live in a teeny tiny house!  We don't do our laundry on a consistent basis!  We are NOT ready for this!"

"We'll be fine, babe. This is good news! I seriously thought someone died." He couldn't wipe the grin off his face.

Ten weeks later, after finally beginning to embrace the wonderful change God had plopped into lives, I had my first miscarriage.

Since then, we've had 4 more.  

We were officially thrown into a world of trying to manipulate something that is so obviously beyond our control.  I've been poked and prodded, tested, and retested.  I've given bloodwork so frequently the lab specialist knew me by name.  I've bought so many tests and medications that a scan from a store clerk no longer even phases me.  I've been told by one doctor I may have a chronic illness only to months later be told by another that I don't. It's a wild ride I never thought I'd be on.

Somewhere amongst this all, I had to make a decision.

What do I plan to do with my one wild and precious life? 

Well that's easy.

I plan to count my blessings until I fall asleep every single night.

I plan to thank God for my friends and family who I can laugh and cry with and who know more about the inner workings of this icky stuff than I'm sure they'd ever wanted to know. 

I plan to thank Him for a husband who never gives up on our dreams and can find the silver lining in any situation.

I plan to thank Him for a marriage that has amazingly come out stronger through it all.

I plan to thank Him for my faith, so that my heart remains open, hopeful, and unguarded.

I plan to thank Him for adjusting my lens and broadening my view of the world.  Perhaps my children will be born in my heart and not in my body, and that's okay.  And for showing me that families grow in so many ways I never knew existed. 

I'm at a time in my life where I wouldn't vomit three times at a positive pregnancy test. That girl is long gone. I will be thrilled when the day comes that we have our first baby, however it happens.  Maybe that day will be soon, and maybe it won't. That's okay, it'll happen.  

In the meantime I plan to never stop rejoicing in the good that's around me.

What do you plan to do?



Author's Note: So that's my best attempt (for tonight anyway) of telling you our story so far.  It might be helpful for future blog reference, it might not.  There is obviously so much more that went unwritten, but this is Kelsey writing, not Jay. :)